Abominable Advent Calendar Day 11: The Last Shark (1981)
Crapsterpiece Category: Cash Grab
Heads up: Italian guys in uncomfortably tight jogging shorts
The Last Shark, aka L’ultimo Squalo (it’s an American-Italian production, shot partially in Georgia by Italians) is a masterpiece. That’s not hyperbole. When people ask me—and they do ask this—for an example of a perfect schlock film, this one is at the top of the list. It absolutely shoots for the stars and hits the flaming dumpster. And just when you think it has nothing more to offer you, it pulls out one more bit of absurdity. Plus sharks.
In case it isn’t obvious, Last Shark is a direct ripoff of Jaws and Jaws II. Whereas most of the Jaws ripoffs, like Snowbeast, take the main plot elements and riff off of them, Last Shark nearly steals the entire plot. But it copies Jaws so badly that it’s hilarious to the point where it would be easy to think it’s a parody. Universal actually got it pulled from theaters in the US for copyright infringement.
You know the plot: an enormous great white shark (species is important) menaces a coastal town. The mayor refuses to cancel the sailing regatta because they need tourist dollars. A small group of intrepid heroes (James Franciscus as the Brody Character, Vic Morrow as the Quint Character, with a wildly inconsistent accent that might have been intended to be Irish or Scottish), try to save the day.
But instead of the earnestness of Jaws, Last Shark is more like a circus sideshow trying to convince you it’s a blockbuster. There’s a sense that the filmmakers think you believe what they’re selling, while any sane person knows they sewed a monkey to a fish tail and called it a Fiji mermaid. Or in this case tried to pass off a bull shark as a great white. The shark changes species and size regularly in the film due to copious use of stock photography, and moves in ways that are physically impossible, such as holding its head straight up from the water buoy-style, like a dog on its hind legs begging for a treat.
The set pieces and deaths are completely over the top, with bodies that are obvious dummies flying and copious amounts of blood. There’s an infamous helicopter death scene partially stolen from Jaws II that’s also physically impossible and laugh-out-loud, slap-your-knee funny to the point where there are probably 100 gifs of it online. As is often the case with a crapsterpiece, the characters have all the depth of a goldfish bowl and the brains of the goldfish. The film was partially sponsored by the beef industry, so they spend a lot of time throwing large chunks of meat into the water, without any obvious plan for what to do if the shark shows up. You’ll want the shark to eat several of them before you’re 20 minutes in, so you won’t feel too bad laughing at the helicopter bit.
These are only a few of the ridiculous things the audience is supposed to just accept. Honestly, rather than fighting it, I suggest you put logic aside for the 88 minutes of Last Shark, go along for the ride, laugh your butt off, and enjoy the creativity and chutzpah of the filmmakers for putting it all onscreen in the first place. This is the kind of film bad movie nights were made for.
